tvfanfandomcom-20200214-history
The War Within Reasonable Parameters transcript
(a man is seen holding a booklet containing the Halloween Kids logo) Man: Hello there, I'm the head of programing, and am affiliated with the Militant Evangalists Against Television. I recently got into the studio and decided to inflict my own personal touch on today's episode. No violence, no crude behavior, no anything really. Tonight's episode will be rated TV Y, and if it could go any lower, I'd see to it. (the rating comes to life, holding a club) Man: So just sit back, relax and- (the rating hits the man and rides up until it lands at TV MA, though it reverses to a TV-Y7 rating) Man: Enjoy... (intro plays) (the kids are seen standing by a shop window, staring at freshly made donuts) Alison: Why is it that time moves slow when we have something to look forward to? Francis: Why're we even interested in this? I'm a danish girl through and through. Alison: Don't you remember? It's the shop's landmark drive week. If we could get enough donuts, then he'd get the famous giant donut over in Inglewood. Emily: What's the big deal? It's from California, chances are they already got their... California germs all over it? Fiona: Which part of California is Inglewood at? I forgot. Dolly: It's totally SoCal. Fiona: Right, well I'm out. Unless it's Anaheim I'd hate to bring anything over from that poop hole. Emily: Yet you're fine Arkansas? Fiona: I'd rather be in a state that's cloudy all day. That way the sun can't fry my brain. Emily: You mean it wasn't already? Fiona: Beg pardon? Emily: I mean just look at you, dog girl, psychological problems, I'm not trying to be a jerk. Fiona: I'm no psycho. I mean sure I act like a dog, I ran over a boy with my bike, I beat up my grandfather just to get some candy, I peed in the water tank of my toilet to mentally torment my dad because he overcooked my waffles, I pushed all the buttons on an elevator one time, oh, and recently I sold my entire family into slavery just to get a quarter of a candy bar, but I'm no psycho! Emily: ...Okay? Alison: Everyone shut up! Emily/Fiona: Fine. Alison: It's showtime. (the kids enter the donut shop.) Mr. Gries: I take it you're here for the Randy's donut contest? Alison: That's right. Put us down for two dozen each, surprise us on the type. Mr. Gries: I'm afraid that might be reaching. You see, it's twenty dollars for one. Alison: One dozen? Mr. Gries: One individual donut. Alison: WHAT!? That's highway robbery! What're you some kind of zionist!? Mr. Gries: I'm no zionist! I actually know what happened those days from 1933 to 1939! Now, are you going to buy anything today? Alison: No way am I wasting twenty dollars to get as many donuts as I would tape decks, in another life you con artist. Mr. Greis: Whatever dude! (at the manor) Alison: This is ridiculous! By the time America and Canada bring themselves to an early grave, New England will be as memorable as Indiana! I can't even wear this novelty shirt anymore, I'D LOOK LIKE A FAN OF LIMP BIZKIT! *rips her shirt off* YAAAAAH!!! Colleen: Relax Ali. There'll be other landmarks. Alison: But I want that one. It's the only way New England could stop being called the ghoulie state. Tiberius: Hey, don't diss the Ghoulies, they're our best football team. Alison: Shut up Tiberius! Up until now all you've ever talked about was sports! Tiberius: Hey don't lob facts at me as if they're insults- Julie: EVERYONE SHUT UP! We can kill ourselves when this is over something more important. Alison: Okay fine. I'm thinking we should try sweet-talking Gries into lowering his price. Fiona: Isn't he in his fifties? I mean it's not like we'd be incriminated if we do it to him. Alison: Uh- I'm sorry, can you please not make every proposition into some kind of, you know? Fiona: YOU'RE KILLING ME! Alison: Don't bite my head off! Ashley: You're one to talk on biting heads off! You're putting us all on the spot just to get some stupid SoCal landmark even though we're too old to care about such crap! Alison: Oh right, forgive me, people like you only care about feeding archetypes. Francis: Watch it Meeks, you're entering dangerous territory. Alison: Dangerous territory? We're already in it, what with the inbred lovechild of the mob. Francis: Are you insulting me? Alison: Are you deaf? I'd insult all of you but we'd be pressed for time. Francis: ...I don't think we need any further evaluation. I could pass judgment right now. Meeks, our alliance is over. (the Elites leave) Francis: Oh, by the way, we already have a landmark, that creepy oak tree on the hill by Lockmont. (Francis slams the door on the way out.) Julie: That's so going to bite us in the butt. (Julie yelps in pain.) Julie: Speaking, of! *Julie pulls Becky off of her* What's your problem!? Becky: Me and Randall were hitting it off! We were going to go our own way after this donut business, but I guess some people had to open their big mouths. Emily: Hold up, I'm part of this too, I'm with Dante! Becky: That's still going on? Emily: Yes. Becky: Weird. Emily: What's so- Alison: STOP! I don't want anymore arguments. Now if you'll excuse me I need to sniff something. (Alison goes upstairs.) Sparky: I'm sure that's a euphemism. Brighton: That's what I assumed. (the next day, the kids go to class. Alison takes her seat.) Alison: Pretty sure I left my favorite pencil in my desk. (Alison opens the lid of her desk and a fist comes out, hitting her.) Ms. Chapley: Okay class, it's time for your public speaking improv presentation. Yorke, you start. (Ashley comes forward) Ashley: Ahem. Some are born rotten, some are born ripe, others are the former and then some. The Halloween Kids are like onions. Fiona: They stink? Ashley: No. Wanda: They make you cry? Ashley: No. Violet: Or you leave them out in the sun and they sprout little brown hairs. Ashley: Nope. Helga: Oh oh! They have layers. Ashley: NO! They stink! Fiona: That's so what I said... Ms. Chapley: Okay you've made your point. Meeks, you're up next. Alison: There're good kids, there're bad kids- Ashley: Hey Meeks, come up with your own intro! Alison: You don't own it Yorkie! Ashley: I'm from Kentucky! Alison: Good for you! I'm from Connecticut, a part of America that's worth a darn! Ashley: Jerk! Alison: Wad! Ms. Chapley: SHUT UP! Ashley/Alison: Yes Ms. Chapley... Ashley: Thanks a lot Alison. Alison: You started it. Ashley: No you! Ms. Chapley: That's it! Class is dismissed! I need some air! (Ms. Chapley leaps out a window.) (at the manor, the Halloween Kids sit in the living room) Jerry: Okay, now that we've burned a mighty bridge, let's watch some TV. Becky: You guys do that, I need to go... dust some crops. (Jerry turns the TV on and an ad plays) Narrator: How many times has this happened? (a house is seen sinking in quicksand) Narrator: Not as much as quarrels between friends, family, sometimes both. I'm Madison Bailey, and I'm willing to help you get out of your emotional slump. Alison: How would that work? Madison: It's simple. (Madison comes in out of nowhere.) Jerry: AGH! TV characters come to life! Begone demon! (Jerry prepares to hit her with a bat) Madison: I was in the neighborhood! Anyway, I'm here to get rid of the emotional cloud hovering over you. Alison: No more drama? Madison: No more drama! Jenny: No more drama? Madison: No more drama! Emily: No more dra- Madison: NO! And it'll all happen with one easy payment of $49.99. Alison: Highway robbery seems to be the curse of the state. Just take it you con artist. Madison: Whatever. Now, how did this all start? Julie: Basically, we wanted to get Randy's Donut here in New England, but we didn't have enough money, then we chose to call each other out. Madison: You all need my help more than I think. Anyone else affected by this? Colleen: It's best you don't know. (it cuts to the Elites) Francis: So it's settled, we'll plant a neutron bomb in their basement and we'll be done with them forever. Ruth: What're you talking about? We didn't settle on anything, you just said your plan. Francis: Oh. So is everyone down for it? All: No. Francis: Okay wise guys, what ideas do you have? Jean: Let's ban them from the school playground. Francis: That's more your department. Jean: More than a playground. I'm not just Queen Jean anymore, I'm the Supreme Evil Overlord of all Outdoor Recreational Spots. Katie Sue: I wanted her to go with God of All that's Outside, but I was outvoted. Ashley: Forget that. Let's go with something I found off a TV show recently. (it cuts to a scene inspired by Spy Vs. Spy, where Ashley plants finger bombs in gloves. Alison puts them on while Ashley plays Lifer, prompting Alison to plug her ears and blow her head up.) Francis: Alison doesn't wear gloves you idiot! Fiona: I've got one! (a scene plays where Fiona as Freddy Krueger stalks the Halloween Kids and attacks them one by one, with them previously playing the game Life) Fiona: You've mastered the game of life, now let's play the game of death! Francis: I think Emily was on to something- Fiona: I'm no psycho! I just find it hard to contain malicious tendencies. Angela: We could just kidnap one of them and force them to share a room with Helga. Francis: Tempting. Georgina: Hey, you promised me that I'd share a room with Helga! Francis: Oh be quiet you walking contradiction! Georgina: How dare you call me that- Ruth: NO MORE DRAMA! Randall: Yeah yeah no more drama, right on. Francis: Randall, you haven't said anything all day, what gives? Randall: I just don't have a lot to talk about. Angela: Right, how could you when you've been on that computer all day. Francis: Unluckily for you, I've hardwired the internet to my projector, your privacy isn't assured in the Perrino household. (the projector runs and shows Randall's computer. A custom website called Randall + Becky.) Elizabeth: Aw, it's sickeningly adorable. Dolly: I totally didn't know that was a thing. Suzy: Great, we totally need a Romeo and Juliet adaptation right now. Dolly: Hey! Totally's my thing! Suzy: You're a total dumb- Francis: Schneide die Scheiße! This insubordination will not go unpunished! Randall: I've already been punished, by contrivance, and seriously some of the thinnest skin I've seen in such a large group of people! Which is why I plan on leaving the Elites to join Becky in the Halloween Kids! Gagoosh! Wish wush curse you. Francis: Shut up Randall. Randall: Okay. Francis: They think they could woo our members and hold the moral high ground over us, which I'm sure they're doing right now, no doubt in my mind, well the Perrinos will live to fight another day. We're out of here! (handlebars rise from Francis' podium.) Voice: Flightmode, engaged. Ashley: WHAT!? Francis: My house, it flies. Randall: Do you have any idea how far away your house is from mine!? I live all the way in Fredericton and I have to take the public bus here. That's a whole lot of sweaty- Francis: BUCKLE UP! (the house takes off, Tito is seen on the toilet.) Tito: Your mother. (Lars is dangling by his foot on the house.) Lars: FATHER! Tito: I said your mother! (back with the Halloween Kids) Madison: So now that we've established the source of your trouble. It's best to just reason with the other party. Alison: ...That's it? Madison: Yes. Colleen: But anyone could tell us that! We paid fifty bucks just for some pedestrian advice!? Madison: I said forty nine ninety nine! Colleen: Yeah I know you said it! It's one cent over! Just, just what the- (a test card is shown) (back to the Perrinos.) Francis: Ah, I remember the day when my grandpa taught me this little secret. Ran just as good as it did when it first took off. Leland: So how does this work exactly? Francis: All it needs is gas. (the house sputters) Francis: Which I forgot to supply after that trip to Alaska. (the house falls and crashes a few miles from the manor.) Francis: Is everyone okay? (the kids are stuck to the ceiling.) Ashley: Define okay. (back to the Halloween Kids) Madison: Look, if you won't take my winning advice, just, I dunno, throw a party or something. Becky: A party? I'll get the cake. (Becky runs out.) Madison: Now that's the spirit. Julie: I wouldn't be too trusting. (it cuts to the Elites.) Francis: Okay, so we're near the intersection of Sunrise Avenue and Coroners Court. That means... we're close to the manor! Ashley: Relax, what's the worst that could happen. (the alarm goes off and a security monitor activates, revealing that Becky is near it.) Fiona: Intruder! Francis: RELAX! (Francis flicks through different monitors.) Francis: Look, Becky has come alone! Angela: Still, just to be safe, let's send one of our grunts out. (it cuts to the outside where Helga greets Becky.) Becky: Helga, right (Helga hits her with a broom) Helga: Shoo! Go away! Becky: Wait, I just want to talk. Helga: Okay, but there's an entrance fee. (it cuts to the inside of the house.) Becky: Fifteen bucks! You Elites are so greedy. Here you go con artist! Helga: Whatever dude. Francis: Becky, you are now our hostage! Becky: I'm already a hostage, to the Halloween Kids' ignorance. But no more, you're looking at the newest member of the Perrinos! Gagoosh! Arf Arf curse you! Francis: Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings- Becky: But I found a way for you guys to get into the manor. Francis: Oh well that changes everything. (everyone laughs manically.) (Becky returns to the manor with a giant cake.) Becky: Guys, I'm back. Madison: Where're the Elites? Becky: They... went to get snacks. But don't worry, there's enough cake for everyone. Alison: That seems a bit too big for everyone. Becky: Better too much than... too little? (the Elites are inside the cake.) Dante: She's blowing it... Francis: Shut up before you really blow it. Elizabeth: You know, I thought this would be lame, but I think this is a good way for us to get to know each other better. Suzy: I don't want to get to know anyone like I'm getting to know Helga right now. Helga: Once you go ogre, it's over. (Becky wheels the cake into another room. Music is playing.) Alison: I hope the Elites get here soon, because... this is all my fault! I let some stupid landmark from California, California of all places, get in the way of friendship! I can't wait any longer, I need to eat my my sorrow away. Becky, cut me a slice. Francis: Wait, what's happening? Becky: I don't think- Alison: I don't care how good the cut is. Becky: Guide me, man aboce. (Becky jabs the knife into the cake.) Katie Sue: Uh guys- Francis: Shut up. (Katie Sue gets jabbed on the head) Francis: Wait, they're shoving knives in here? Everyone, get out of the cake! (The Elites burst out of the cake.) Francis: So, first you insult us and now you want to kill us!? Sparky: Well, we didn't know about the Trojan Horse aspect- Francis: I'm a kid I don't give a crap about historical references! Ashley: Thanks to your ignorance, we're planning on making a new society where the mistakes of the past will be eliminated. Fiona: And now, you must die... Alison: Not if you die first! Leland: I've always wanted to do this! (Leland takes out a banjo and starts playing it.) Fiona: Get ready to suffer at the hands of an unrestrained psycho! Emily: I thought you weren't a psycho? Fiona: I'm coming to terms! (Fiona tackles Emily) (Angela gives Sparky and Brighton noogies.) Angela: I forgot how much fun tormenting nerds was! (Marie is seen lingering above Jenny.) Jenny: Oh no! I'm a little girl pinned against a giant. Oh wait this isn't my human form. (Jenny brings out her true form and attacks Marie.) (Julie and Leland are dueling with CDs) Leland: Two Limp Bizkits. Julie: Millennium straight! (Julie pounces on Leland.) (the fight continues until a two hours later time card appears) (The kids are all on the ground, visibly injured. Becky and Randall crawl towards one another.) Becky: I don't blame you for what the Elites did. Randall: Ditto, you and the Halloween Kids. Becky: If I go down, I want to in the hands of the friendliest capitalist. Randall: And I you, the most elegant farm girl. Becky: I love you. Randall: I love you! (the two hug. Francis and Alison see this.) Francis: Could it be that true love can reach this girl's crusty heart? Alison: You don't have a crusty heart, I do. I let a landmark get in the way of my better judgement, and, I honestly missed you. Francis: We have no reason to fight my friends! The feud's over. All: Yay... Madison: That's it? You nearly kill each other and it's fixed by the power of love? Colleen: Isn't that what you had in mind? Madison: Not really. Alison: Then you didn't do your job, we want our money back. Madison: You can't hold me accountable for that. (Madison's advertisement plays.) Madison (TV): I'll help you, or your money back, full stop. Madison: I should've known that I'd get swindled by kids. Here you go con artist! Alison: Whatever dude! Madison: I'M OUTTA HERE! (Madison leaps out a window.) Alison: Now, about what I said before- Francis: Save it. You're just acting out of pure imperfection. I would've done the same. Alison: Really? Francis: HECK NO! But, I have found a way to set things right. (it cuts to Randy's Donuts in Inglewood. The Elites hook and fly off with the large donut on the roof.) (end)